empathia wrote: it is believed that if one feels one shouldn't meditate, that is just resistance of change.

Ooh, a great issue. And a most excellent question!
To broaden the question out, if we encounter an unknown that we don't feel we should explore, is that just anxiety trying to con us into preventing change? Or is it unconscious awareness that this thing is not for us? How do we tell the difference?

From tutorial 4:
“Whenever we initiate a change of habits, even a positive one, we activate the neurochemicals for learning. If anxiety is high, Cortisol will rise and the unconscious mind will oppose or run from whatever we're trying to do.”

“If you feel an aversion to some exercise before trying it, ask yourself why you are judging an experience before you've had it. Is there a good reason (like, “I can't do the balance exercise because I have no legs”) or is anxiety trying to control your freedom of experience? If so, slow down and do some anxiety reduction until you realize that it's no big deal to try something once, and remember that we're here to try out new experiences; that's what walking the path IS, dude.”

“It's that entelechy zone in the middle we need —activities that at first feel a bit awkward and unfamiliar but still interesting and effective are those during which true change occurs. In this zone you will experience small but continuous improvements, and then (when practice becomes habitual) sudden changes of awareness followed by larger improvements. This is the natural way the brain learns.”

empathia also wrote: I sometimes become quite anxious when in meditation.

This isn't possible. It's like saying, 'I sometimes become alkaline when I'm acidic', or even 'I sometimes breathe when I'm underwater'. If you're anxious, you're not in meditation.

What you probably mean is when trying to meditate. It might be an idea to work with biofeedback to get into alpha competently and on demand, then initiate the process when you sit/lie down to meditate.

If you tend to get anxious sitting still with 'nothing to do', try mindfulness techniques including active meditation. I've found that very useful as opposed to sitting meditation where there is always a part of me feeling like its wasting time doing only one thing at once. I can manage mindfulness quite well now when doing things like gardening or cleaning. I haven't quite cracked it for going shopping in corwded supermarkets yet, but there's a lot to be said for noise-canceling headphones...

It's not the anxiety itself that differs in different situations; it's the symptoms and the individual. The neurochemistry is the same, even when its that silent, ongoing unconscious anxiety that we don't know about.

Most people find high level acute anxiety more difficult to deal with than low level chronic anxiety simply because it happens a lot faster, but the effects on the body and brain are equally harmful. Some people cope fine in acute high stress situations but get suicidal if exposed to chronic boredom, others are just the opposite.
Best,
AR

Cool, let us know the results!
AR

Hi dude,
Long mail, get coffee  :  )

Sorry you're going through a difficult time, but remember all of our experiences teach us something, even if it's “Don't do it again”.  :  )

This is a rather poignant one for me because I too get accused of being rude or aggressive when I'm being excited, because I get loud and wave my arms about, which frightens some people. I'm learning not to do it. But enough about me...

First make sure there really are only two people involved (and not half a dozen friends or well-meaning relatives saying, 'do this' or 'do that'). If others are poking noses in, stop discussing it with them.

Second, get it clear that nobody should ever be telling us what to do, so asking questions like, “What should I think?” are not the way to go, because only YOU should be deciding which thoughts you want in your own mind and which ones you don't. It's your mind. Sharing experience is great, but we have to make our own decisions for ourselves. This can be very hard, it can sometimes seem impossible, but that's the challenge we rise to and we can trust intelligence to work it out as long as we get rid of anxiety.

Third, look at who in the situation is aware of anxiety, how it can control people, and the chaos it can cause in our lives. If that's only you, it could well be a very long hard job unless the other person wants to improve themselves and learns about anxiety too.

There are two possibilities here:
(1) is that you both want to improve yourselves and fight anxiety.
(2) is that only you want these things.
So I will answer for both possibilities.

Possibility 1:

If there really IS “general lack of respect between the two of us”, then it's pointless trying to communicate. The description: “He says that he loves me but at the same time claims that he doesn't want a friendship with me and doesn't like me” implies great confusion on the other person's part, bet we have to be sure we are interpreting others' words correctly and not misunderstanding. So asking “How do you make sense of these two opposing facts: (a) you say you love someone and (b) you say you don't like them?” is a very relevant thing to do. Just listen, and let them try to explain. Chances are they are not using words to mean what they're supposed to mean (and semantics have ruined many relationships). Liking is a prerequisite for loving, but not of course for lust. You don't say what type of relationship this is but if it IS a sexual one, maybe one or both of you is mistaking lust for love and as a result getting confused. Honesty means the ability to say, “I find you incredibly sexy, but I don't love you.”

If someone doesn't want to be around you and has said so, it's respectful to comply. Politely say farewell and don't waste any more precious time. Put your energy into friendships and activities that are sane and enjoyable.

It's easy to get paranoid and assume that when someone doesn't want to be around us, there's something wrong with US. Often it's the other person simply wants to be alone. I love being by myself sometimes and it has offended people when I've said I'd rather do something 'on my own' than do it with them. “What's wrong with me?” they ask, and the answer is of course, nothing.  :  )  We can respect others' wishes without being paranoid. We might think they're a bit weird, but hey, everyone is different and enjoying being on your own doesn't cause anybody any harm.


Possibility 2:

If you DO both want to improve yourselves, there's hope. But first you'd both have to practise anxiety-reduction. That might mean a short time apart to 'get your act together' before you can work things out. We are all different and some people will need a few weeks, some a few days, some a few hours. But nobody is pointing a gun at your heads saying, 'Solve this immediately!' -so both take a break, step back and take care of your anxiety. Even the brightest of minds can't think straight when anxiety's around.

Next, both employ the core conditions, because they work for any kind of relationship. Empathy, Honesty, Respect. Almost all discord arises because someone thinks someone else is 'being rude' and the other person doesn't appear to care they're being rude -and this is a fundamental misunderstanding. Why would anyone be deliberately rude? It's not conducive to friendship. So you need to explain what kind of behavior you personally find 'rude' (for example I find yelling rude, others find ignoring people rude. Some people think not doing the washing up is rude.) A good conversation is telling each other what sorts of behaviors we each find rude, and what sorts of behaviors we each find make us anxious (for example my unconscious panics at loud noises like yelling). Share this info with each other. Each talk about what throws you off balance and confuses you and makes it hard to think.

Now that you have this information, you can each employ your knowledge in interactions (for example my friend can try not to yell, now that he knows it makes it harder for me to stay calm). This is empathy, honesty and respect, and its a good start to smoothing any relationship. You find out what pisses the other person off, and avoid doing it. It doesn't matter if we fail sometimes -just knowing we are trying to make an effort shows the other person we respect them and that we care.

You can now attack the problem together as friends, both of you versus anxiety. Be a team and decide anxiety is not going to win this one; together you can stop it doing its nasty work. That gets you both on the same side -the side of sanity- against the real enemy, which is anxiety not each other. Anxiety tries to make us all enemies, and we are not; we're all just people trying to get along.

Next big issue: loving is something we DO; just like walking or driving. It's a verb. It's a type of behavior performed with an attitude of joy. When I am cuddling someone, I am loving them. When I'm making them a hot dinner or giving them a massage after a hard day, I'm loving them. When I'm sitting up all night to research information for them, I'm loving them. Anxiety blocks this kind of behavior, another good reason to recognize it as the real enemy. Anxiety would like us all to live in isolated little towers with guns, and shoot anything that comes near. F*** that  :  )

Other bits: even if someone is rude, we should never react; that just makes it worse. Once we know what each other finds rude, it's a lot easier to say, “Hang on a minute, I crash when you behave this way because it's one of the things I find rude and anxiety creeps in.” Because of sharing honestly, you both now have the awareness to understand this and to see in real time how anxiety works, and this awareness is what gives us the power to interact to change it.

We can also stop and say “Hang on, I'm losing control of my emotions aren't I?” and take a break. Once we get used to the sneaky ways anxiety works we can even start to laugh at it.

Hope this is helpful, and thanks for sharing because I'm sure this will help others too.
Best,
AR