Communication 101

For those short of time, energy, or the permanently confused.

Ready-made templates for letters to anybody, from anybody, Communication 101 is the fast, free and easy service for people who have difficulty writing letters.

Directions: Just highlight all the lines that apply, stick it in your mailer and send! You can even re-use the same template by erasing someone else's highlights!!

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Template 1 : Getting back in touch after a break

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• Hi dude!

• Hey honey,

• Dear Sir/Madam,

• Yo Bro,

• Dear (insert recipients name here)

• Howdy partner,

• Dear Fascist Bastard,

I am aware that we have not been communicating very much

• lately

• since (insert date, campaign or event)

• ever

I haven't written much because I am

• very busy

• not well

• undercover/ on active duty

• of the opinion that it's not important to stay in touch with allies

• feeling really hassled

• currently in prison

• oxytocin deficient

• your sworn enemy

• uncomfortable hassling you

• paraplegic

• on a spiritual quest

• totally drunk

• not comfortable talking to you honestly

• pissed off with you

• not terrifically bright

• telepathic, and I thought you were too

• still trying to get over you

• on the run

• so tired I can't think

• trying to break up with you

• currently in a Left Flank Position (see '24')

• embarrassed about my spelling and grammar

• AWOL

• obsessive about secrecy

I would now like to

• explain why I don't keep in touch

• resolve this via this letter

• ask for a divorce

• continue not communicating because that's okay

• get drunk and forget about you

• tell you all about my life

• maybe get together for dinner sometime

• escape

• go back to bed

• ask you whether this is a problem?

• Avoid being hassled

• leave my entire estate to you by way of apology

• turn myself in to the relevant authorities

• invade a foreign country

I am aware that when people don't communicate, their friends may

• worry about them

• think they have offended them in some way

• assume they have been kidnapped

• get confused

• move house without telling them

• come to believe that they are not welcome in their lives

• assassinate international figures

• feel really sad

• decide its rude and become offended

• invade foreign countries

• try to imagine reasons why, and get them wrong

• decide that they are boring old farts

• turn up with a team in helicopters to try to rescue them

To be fair, communication goes both ways, but I guess maybe you don't write much because

• perhaps you feel communication is unwelcome?

• you're baffled about why I never talk much about my life?

• I ran off with your wife/husband/business/car/ (insert item)

• you don't want to poke your nose in where its not wanted?

• I shot at you that time

• you know that genuineness and respect are important and you don't want to coerce me into writing if I'm not really into it?

• You found out I work for the CIA/WalMart/(insert organization)

So this is just to clarify that I

• would like things to stay exactly as they are

• would like to communicate less

• would like to communicate more

• would like to continue with mad letters like this one

• am on better medication now

• am no longer working for those people

from now on.

• Yours sincerely

• lots of love

• up yours

• om nama shivaya

• I miss you

• Hasta la vista, motherfucker

• BFN

• its been an honor serving with you

(write your name here)